The Curmudgeon Chronicle -#193

THE CURMUDGEON CHRONICLE ©

AN IRREVERENT VIEW


Time Line: October 9, 2006
Date Line: Flemington New Jersey

According to scientists at Scripps Research Institute, “New research shows that the active ingredient in marijuana may prevent the progression of the [Alzheimer’s} disease by preserving levels of an important neurotransmitter that allows the brain to function.”

I have no reason to doubt these findings though I my observation of people high on pot led to a contrary conclusion. I can recall instances where the smoker’s brain function went into total stasis, replaced by a ravening hunger for ice cream and Malomars.

Nevertheless, the discovery coming hard on the heels of a finding that aspirin can help fight cancer leads me to examine my memories of folk medicine. My mother was a firm believer in the mustard plaster; argyrol; whiskey mixed with honey and lemon; spitting to clear the evil eye from the premises, and (the most powerful nostrum of all), chicken soup.

Mustard plasters, Argyrol, and spit have been relegated to the witches brew category, saving thousands of children from third degree burns on the chest, stains that never come out, and infection spread by indiscriminate expectoration. I am working on the honey, lemon and whiskey mixture and getting very positive results once honey and lemon are eliminated from the dosage. The National Science Foundation is considering a huge grant for further research.

The chicken has not been featured in research bulletins. (This is the work of a cabal headed by Messers Perdue, Tyson, and Colonel Sanders on the one hand and the guys from Merk and Genentech on the other.) Suffice it to say that in my home, chicken soup remains the remedy of choice for every ill other than a broken bone.

We await the moment when research findings on fowl efficacy finally become public. My guess is that illegal chicken hoarding is going on at the moment. Strains of medically effective chickens are being bred and kept in captivity by the cabal. Negotiations between Big Pharma and the Little Rock chicken breeders never make the headlines, even though the health of the world is at stake.

The issue dividing the two groups is how to price medicinal chicken soup. Big Pharma advances the argument that $1,500 a pint is the right price level for the US markets, with a 20% discount for third world nations.

The chicken growers, attuned to mass marketing, argue that $1.29 per pint will bring in enough customers to make enough money so that Big Pharma won’t have to backdate option grants. The FDA is leaning towards Big Pharma but awaiting the results of the mid-term elections before making a final decision.

I hope it all works out because the new road map to health will be a couple of stiff belts of whiskey, followed by a bowl of chicken soup, a half dozen aspirin to cure your hangover, all taken so that you can enjoy that after dinner joint.

Ain’t science wonderful?

H. S.