The Curmudgeon Chronicle - #267

THE CURMUDGEON CHRONICLE ©

AN IRREVERENT VIEW


Time Line: August 31st 2009
Date Line: Flemington New Jersey

The older we get, the more likely it is we’ll get older yet. It is also more likely that our component parts will continue to function past the limits of original design specifications.

I note that this week the Hospital for Special Diseases announced the isolation of the gene that causes gum disease, rheumatoid arthritis, osteoporosis, and assorted other nasty conditions that plague our advancing years.

The researchers are quick to point out that they have not discovered a cure; just a likely cause. Nevertheless, the announcement says there has been striking evidence of possible cures derived in experiments with zebra fish. (I was unaware gum disease is a problem for zebra fish)

Once again science and faith clash. An intelligent design person shrugs the study off with a “So what?” it is God’s will isn’t it? An old-style believer in evolution thinks, “WOW! Only another 4 billion years of natural selection and it could work on humans too”.

Modern capitalists are not medical junkies. They look at medical research results say, “Maybe we’ll postpone the hip operation for a while; buy Pfizer at $16.00, and keep the tennis racquets handy”.

We are getting older and staying healthier longer, highlighting a problem that has plagued humans since society was a pup. What do you do with grandpa and grandma (now extended to great-grandpa and great-grandma)? They are too young to be put out on the ice; too old to hold a job (work is for the young) and they think they know all the answers.

Older people are exempt from military service so the Malthusian solution won’t work, and they are outliving their savings. What if they figure out that the way to enjoy longevity is to have fewer offspring? Limit the youth, not the age of the population, could become the grey panther call to arms. Fewer young people might improve the scheme of society.

Think of a world without juvenile delinquents; with softer music, predictable family relationships, absence of sibling rivalry, lower school taxes and better educated children. The list is long, but best of all the “senior” sobriquet is history.

We are simply referred to as adults: a status achieved at the age of 60 and continuing for the next 35 years. This new adulthood has everything needed to sustain one’s status as such. ED has been conquered; stem cells re-grow teeth, hair, nerves, and anything else damaged or missing. Adult women are beautiful (check out Cher, Raquel Welsh and your wife if you need convincing). Adult men have rejuvenated muscles and urges (check out George Hamilton and remember Cary Grant but don’t look at your husband just yet).

The only casualties in an adult society are advertizing agencies who have no basis for plaguing us with messages about physical shortcomings. If the zebra fish hurry, we can even be free of gum disease as new adults. Perhaps Woody Allen will get his wish and become immortal not because of his work, but by not dying.

Howard Stamer