The Curmudgeon Chronicle -#194

THE CURMUDGEON CHRONICLE ©

AN IRREVERENT VIEW


Time Line: October 13, 2006
Date Line: Flemington New Jersey

Today is Friday the 13th and those who fear the date are huddled under the coverlet. I arose with some trepidation and inspected the world around me only to find that the “same ole same ole” was going on: except in Norway.

Norway’s government and Oslo’s Natural History Museum have concluded that homosexual conduct is not “unnatural”. The Museum selected Friday the 13th to release the results of a study on homosexuality in animals revealing that such conduct has been observed in 1,500 species studied. Norway defends its clandestine observation of animal bedroom conduct by saying, “At least we didn’t tap their phones”.

(While the study did not name US Congressmen as a separate species, there is every indication that if subjected to the eye of science, some legislators would pass the test with flying colors. The Republican Party was quick to claim that one is supposed to love one’s fellow man, but agreed the admonition has been taken too literally by some.)

The study points out that Aristotle noted apparent homosexual behavior in hyenas 2,300 years ago. Aristotle when asked for his view on human homosexuality is said to have responded, “Once you are a philosopher; twice you are a pervert.” The Chronicle concludes that some kinds of conduct in ancient Greece were OK for hyenas, not for people.

Friday the 13th marks a bad day for the family pet. There are morning reports of boxers and beagles on Park Avenue being bundled off to the animal psychiatric clinic next door to Zitomer’s Pharmacy on Madison Avenue for deep therapy sessions. (For those of you unfamiliar with Zitomer’s and its pet annex, let me say that Zitomer’s is to pharmacies as beluga caviar is to egg salad.)

Results have been devastating. Dogs and cats are “coming out of the basket” in droves now that the human is out of the bag about homosexual conduct. Many evangelical families are banding together to establish new obedience schools for pets with a curriculum heavily slanted towards heterosexuality.

The Oslo study claims to have photographed two whales engaged in homosexual conduct, though I can not imagine the circumstances of such an observation. Do whales have gay bars where the plankton is said to drive one wild with unnatural, (or natural, depending on your orientation), desires? The mind boggles.

The day is not over yet and in the remaining hours something may come up to justify the fears that Friday the 13th engenders in some of us.

Failing anything new, we leave you with the knowledge that Bonobos, a type of chimpanzee will have sex with anyone and that giraffes are much like Bonobos. If that isn’t scary enough for you, I am told that there will be a showing of Godzilla Loves a Monster on late night television to usher Friday the 13th out.

H. S.