The Curmudgeon Chronicle -#203

THE CURMUDGEON CHRONICLE ©

AN IRREVERENT VIEW


Time Line: January 26, 2007
Date Line: Flemington New Jersey

Reuters reports the ultimate “quit smoking discovery”. Apparently, damage to the insula, a “silver dollar-sized area located deep in the brain” makes it easy to kick the habit. The finding emanates from (you guessed it) California, grandfather venue of the no-smoking rule.

Professor Bechara of USC, (who announced the findings), was kind enough to say that science should not try to knock out the entire insula because it controls many functions and desires. Professor Bechara said that they should only try to disrupt habits like smoking, “…but not something vital like eating.” In the words of Madeline Kahn: “What a nice guy!”

The discovery is mind-boggling, (no pun intended), in its reach. Think of the power it would give to advertisers: the ability to damage your insula so that you would only buy their products and spurn the competition’s. Think of the ramifications if such knowledge was in the hands of Karl Rove: people would turn away from voting booths unless they lived in properly gerrymandered districts; the rest of us would have no desire to vote at all.

On the other hand if properly controlled the discovery could open vistas of ease and delight. Just consider the possibilities:

…. You could say “No!” to the last drink and avoid the hang-over
…. You wouldn’t eat the belt busting doughnut or ice cream cone
…. No credit card would be used unless paid in full month’s end
…. You would never marry the wrong person
…. You would only smoke four cigarettes a day
…. You would be immune to advice from people who don’t know what they are talking about.

However, it is the question of “proper control” that we face. Frankly Scarlet. I don’t trust anyone inventive enough to find my insula’s capabilities, with the power to turn it on, off or fine tune it. The last time we gave that kind of control to doctors, electro-shock therapy and lobotomies followed and created vegetables, not cures. In addition, Freud invented the 50 minute hour and psychiatrists crazier than anyone has a right to be.

When it comes down to it, doctors are specialized plumbers and electricians. They can fiddle around with my pipes, wiring and the parts and pieces of me that do not affect my command center. My brain is fragile enough without having to put up with tinkering that would hurt its little synapses and electrolytes. If it ain’t broke don’t etc., etc.

Professor Bechara says, “There is a lot of potential for pharmacological developments”. I say not for my mind pal, (unless they make me grow hair, look like a Greek God, teach me to type with ten fingers, and turn me into the best guitar player since Django Reinhardt).

The lead for the Reuter’s article reads, “Damage to brain region helps smokers quit”. Perhaps true, but then again so does a deep coma and I can do without either, thank you very much.

As for smoking, if the cigarette makers took 85% of the nicotine out of the product instead of adding more, quitting would not require damaging with your brain.

HS