THE CURMUDGEON CHRONICLE - #235

THE CURMUDGEON CHRONICLE ©

AN IRREVERENT VIEW


Time Line: March 17, 2008
Date Line: Flemington New Jersey

Some industries disappear because of technological advances; buggy whips and canal boats are not made for daily use. Many careers disappear for the same reason; I don’t know anyone trained as a telegrapher or a farrier. (My computer’s spell check thinks the word “farrier” does not exist and offers furrier instead.)

Some industries and careers are tombstones in history’s graveyard and deserve to be honored symbols of human advances. But that does not include “investment banking” and “financial advisors” destined for the scrap heap unless called by their proper names, casino and croupier.

Do I feel comfortable leaving funds in an institution that has lost four billion dollars, guided by advisors told them “Junk squared equals AAA Government bonds”? The answer comes back as a resounding “NO” so I ask, “If not them, then who can I trust to guard and invest my funds?”

For that answer I went back into the Chronicle’s files and found we had considered the subject years ago. I won’t reprint the item, but the gist of it goes like this.

Once you weed out the hype and everyone pays everyone else off, you can squeeze the water out of the stock market. On that day a loaf of bread will cost 10 cents and you’ll find there is only $1.238.56 in cash in the entire world.

The money is in Joe’s Pizza Palace in Jersey City NJ, where Mrs. Joe has it pinned to her bra. She claims the lump is a growth she has had since childhood. Joe once begged her to let him have some for a small flier in a “sure thing” and got a fat lip for his pains.

Mrs. Joe is the best money manager in the country. She has been courted by several Central Banks to emigrate and save the planet’s economic future from the Democrats and Republicans. Thankfully, she has turned them down because the offer did not include an apartment over the shop like the one she has in Jersey City.

Consequently, the US remains an economic power in control of $1,238.56. Mr. Bernanke plans to leverage that giant pool of wealth so the Fed can lend our failing banks the sixty gizzillion dollars needed to pay for their stupidity.

The good news is that “Investment Bankers” and “Financial Advisors” will have to get other jobs, (like the people they fired to outsource operations to Hyderabad and Lahore). They are trying to learn how to say, “Do you want fries with that?”, but it is tough to get through to them.

Could it be that retraining is not the answer for loss of a job you have had for thirty years? Not at all,

According to Human Resources, you can retrain anyone to do something useful. Of course in the case of Investment Bankers there must be the possibility of a summer rental in East Hampton to keep their interest riveted.

Howard Stamer