THE CURMUDGEON CHRONICLE ©
AN IRREVERENT VIEW
Time Line: April 7, 2008
Date Line: Flemington New Jersey
We have just heard that God issued an interdiction against being born again. It appears that unplanned, repetitive births are causing serious overcrowding in Heaven. Clouds that used to rent for 6 miracles a millennium are have tripled in price. There have been concomitant increases in tickets for the Heavenly Choir and there are no seats available at the Lord’s Table; not even for ready money.
“They just can’t seem to leave well enough alone” said the Almighty. Shaking his head in disgust, God complained, “They harp about MY plan for earth and then do stupid things to gum up the works. Do they think that I did not plan for sinners? Do they know how tough it is to find renters for flats in Hell? Any more of this and I am going to have to cause another flood, and this time there won’t be an ark.”
Gabriel, standing at His side said, “Now You know You are a Forgiving Deity. It says so in the Book and You can’t argue with the printed word.” Oh no?” said God. “I gave them a Constitution is that place in the Western Hemisphere, the United something or other, and some lout, using my name has trashed it! I wish he had not been born the first time, let alone born again.”
Gabriel called his brother Michael and whispered, “Mike, the Boss is having a tough day. The real estate markets are haywire and miracles are a dime a dozen since some fool discovered the microchip. We have to do something or He is going to wipe Earth out again and that means no more Monday night Football.”
Michael thought for a moment and asked, “How about arranging a wrestling match between the Boss and the Arch-Fiend? You know that a victory always leaves the Boss happy for a few hundred years.”
“Won’t work”, said Gabriel. “He is wise to that set-up and won’t play any more; He just throws a thunderbolt followed by a tantrum. However that does give me an idea. That United something place is having an election to pick a new leader and get rid of the guy the Boss doesn’t like. Why don’t we have three misfits run for office and see who He backs?’
“I like it” said Michael. “How shall we design the cast?”
Gabriel wrinkled his brow and than cried, “I’ve got it! Let’s get a black guy, a senile guy and a woman all running at the same time. The black guy will run on a platform that appeals to most people, but a platform that can’t be achieved by him in his lifetime. The senile guy will run on a platform of no changes, and since the Country hates what it has now, he is going to have a tough time with everyone except people who don’t think. That gives him an edge because it is the case with most humans in that place. The woman will run on a platform built on a supposition of experience that she does not have and will use tactics that would make a Hun vomit.”
“God is going to love that” said Michael. “Let’s set it up and surprise him.
“By the way, I understand He just sent a memo asking to have His name removed from their money…. Something about blessing a worthless thing being out of character”
Howard Stamer
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