THE CURMUDGEON CHRONICLE ©
AN IRREVERENT VIEW
Time Line: August 2, 2008
Date Line: Flemington New Jersey
We have been warned!!
Disneyland and Sea World are going to increase their prices. I am fortunate (??) to have completed a trip with two grandchildren and their parents. Guess where we went.
That’s right, and at the current bargain prices. The first stop was Sea World where four adults and two children under 8 years of age paid $325.00 (after a 10% AARP discount) to enter. After twenty minutes of aimless milling around, we were swept up in a body that moved us relentlessly to the fish tanks where two killer whales were going to perform.
On the stroke of 1:00 PM the projection screens above the tank lit up. We were to salute the participants in the Iraq War in a ceremony as tasteful as an unbuttered Uneeda Biscuit. The introduction lasted for ten minutes under a sun that blazed on 4,000 bare heads, accompanying shoulders and faces; engendering dreams of diving into that pool, with or without killer whales.
Finally, a person dressed in a black and white leotard (killer whale colors) appeared, followed by loudspeakers blaring drum rolls. Several tons of killer whale named Shamu swam into the pool; circled twice and swam out again. He re-entered and rolled on his back, leaped into the air and twirled around, coming to rest along the side of the pool where the person in the whale leotard gave him a fish.
The performance continued for another 15 minutes; the whale swam and dove and leaped; the whale got fish every so often. The climax came when two whales swam and got fish
Since I understand basic killer whale, I overheard Shamu say to Orchid (the other whale), “I can’t believe how dumb those beings are. When I think of what I had to teach them before they understood that I like fish, I could just spit.”
Though the grandchildren could have stayed on, we demanded release from Sea World. The request was granted so that we could go to an Aquarium nearby and see other fish in relative comfort, indoors.
No trip to California is complete (my wife says) without a visit to Disneyland. I had been there when it opened circa 1963 and swore never to return. However I am devoted to my wife and after years of ducking her requests I agreed to go, complete with positive attitude.
Entering Disneyland is like what must have been experienced by defeated tribes and exiled nations in the days of Sennacherib. You are part of a group of ten thousand mindless souls; herded like cattle into conveyances that act like a conveyer belt in a factory; discharged at the point of sacrifice where you are deprived of your sensibilities and all your spare cash.
Entry costs for 4 adults and 2 children under the age of 8 were $420.00 (after AARP deductions). Once “On Property” everything is “free” except for food, toys, memorabilia, and water. In Disneyland you need to drink a lot of water and must buy a lot of stuff for the kids.
The rides (after 45 years) are still geared to amuse or terrify the average 4 year old. There are lots of rides but it takes an hour to get onto one, 15 minutes for the experience, and then a walk for 15 minutes to repeat the cycle. At an hour and a half per experience even Mr. Schwarzenegger can only “enjoy” 5 rides. Lunch at an additional average cost of $15 per person will provide a hot dog, chips and a soda.
Total cash cost of the experience for us (excluding $120 for water and stuff) was $500 plus gas and wear and tear on the psyche. For once I was right in an original judgment; when offered a trip to a theme park, plead a headache or aphasia.
If the offer comes from an adult female, give her a sapphire brooch and count it inexpensive. If it comes from a child of whatever gender, refer it to its parent or guardian; that’s what they are there for.
I wouldn’t pay 75 cents to see the best theme park in the world. How much more do Disney and Sea World think a day with them is worth?
Howard Stamer
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