THE CURMUDGEON CHRONICLE - #291

THE CURMUDGEON CHRONICLE ©

AN IRREVERENT VIEW


Time Line: November 10, 2010
Date Line: Chicago IL

Dear Mr. President:

Here is a suggestion to add to those offered by some office-seekers and unaffiliated pundits to: end the recession, create jobs, increase US homeowner values, and eliminate E.D. in nonagenarians.

Use Magic!

Only magic can create jobs without employers; lower taxes to end budget deficits; increase the value of the dollar simultaneously increasing exports; stop job losses by giving employers unlimited rights to off-shore their operations; bring back US productive capabilities without building factories to replace the ones we sold to China. Finally, magic might create collegiality in Congress by e.g., causing the insurance industry to lower healthcare premiums without legislation to regulate its activities.

Magic needs a Secretary of Necromancy: I nominate John Wellington Wells, with apologies to Gilbert & Sullivan and Rahm Emanuel. For those who don’t recall him, he is (as updated by the Chronicle):

“…John Wellington Wells
A dealer in magic and spells,
In blessings and curses
And ever-filled purses
In prophesies, witches, and knells.

If you want a foe to make “tracks”
If you need an object to tax
Please visit our resident Djinn
(Not available by e-mail or fax)
From the introduction we see solutions to poverty, backbiting foes, solid economic forecasts and the elimination of Al Qaeda. Not sold? Check on the costs, services and organization:

We’ve a first class assortment of magic
For passing an act like Cap and Trade
In spite of objections comic or tragic
We’ll prove there’s no better deal to be made!

Just compare the services of Blackwater and Halliburton with what JWW offers.

Love potions to unite Congress? We’ve got oodles of it
And if for financial balance the opposition burns
We keep a very small profit and retain a prophet,
To review everyone’s tax returns.
He can set up penalties on demand
In multiples of seventy grand.

He will let you change financial history,
Hide your mistakes or cloud them in mystery
He will even humor a wholesome proclivity
For a (salaciously) healthful permitted activity.
He has answers oracular, for queries spectacular
Which you get to expound in the vernacular.

Outcomes and incomes funny or tragic,
Are seen by onlookers in mirrors so magic
They create surpluses so astronomical
That they seem maniacally comical.

Of course we dispose of hosts of ghosts
Like death panels and Gay issue pests
Those creepy things that liberals ioast
Are no longer specters; they become honored guests

Ere I forget we’ll bind objectors in chains
And horrify your opponents vastly
As we clear their miniscule brains
Of gibberish, and thoughts grim and ghastly.

Then if you plan it we’ll change you organically
You’ll remain civilized and urban, but Satanically

Whether in tautology or demonology
Nano-Electro Biology, mystic neology
Spirit philology or high class astrology.
We offer our help without an apology

So useful’s our knowledge it’s clear that we
Are suited ideally, to save the Land of the Free.”
If you like our services (and take at least three),
We’ll apply a purchase discount for quantity.

Envoi

Mr. President, we challenge your advisors (and detractors) to provide a better solution. Failing that, I suggest that we knuckle down and let the programs for healthcare, financial entity policing and regulation, and economic stimulus packages, proceed. They are starting to take hold and show results.

The Chronicle believes they should get a fair trial.

Howard Stamer